Mommy Needs a Martini

Wednesday Wisdom

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke~ The Divine Bette Midler

Freaky Frickin' Owls

So I am laying in bed last night when I kept hearing some gawd awful noise that sounded much like a cross between fingernails on a chalkboard and a wild witch on meth... 

In my state of curiousity, and somewhat fear induced state, I turned off my light...crawled to my bedroom window and saw this gray form perched on the railing of my deck. As I got closer to the screen to try and discern what the hell the form was...it turned it's head like the exorcist and let out a sound that made the hair on my ENTIRE body raise up.

Do you even know how incredibly freaky it is to have an owl turn it's head around 180 degrees to face you and then screech like a banshee????  I literally jumped back from the window and then looked at my dog like "WTF? Why are you not barking at this THING?"

I then went back to the window and hissed at it...thinking that ohhhhh...a cat might scare off an owl. Right? Ummmm...no. The owl just looked at me like "Seriously human? That's all ya got?".

I quietly walked over into Pea's room (as she has a door that goes off to the deck) in a ruse to scare the owl from behind. Cuz ya know...he can only turn his head 180 degrees mmmmmmkkkk? Yet...there he was!!! Sitting right across from Pea's door...staring at me and moving it's head in all sorts of freaky ways. First thought: Do owls stalk people? Second thought: Do owls eat people?

I then realized there was not just one...but TWO owls on my deck. Thiiss was a little too much for a previously entrenched city girl to take.  

So I grabbed my new kitten in one hand (because she would have ran out and been like "Yo freaky beings...whasssssup? I like to jump, purr, kiss, meow, claw and run around in circles. Hey you have pretty feathers...) opened the door with the other and then slammed it shut. And with that, they flew off (quite beautifully by the way...with the moonlight and all that ambience stuff).

Now if only I could stop thinking about the myth that owls represent death...I'll be okay.

Black

There are just days when the blackness sucks you down. Makes your bones ache, your heart hurt and your mind feels suffocated from any form of light.

I have known this blackness since I was young. It comes...it goes...it whips my life around for a bit and then it leaves just as suddenly as it came in.

People that really know me...don't even know me. That is how much I keep this blackness down.

How much more I smile and laugh and act the part...because they wouldn't like the "me" that is swirling around in the black hole. That cave. That small circle of hell. They would want to walk away...to shrug it off...tell me to pull my boot straps up and go get help or something.

Something something something...just don't do nothing.

But I can't. I can't really talk about it or conceptualize it or even explain to some expert who would just put me on meds and send me off to hope for the best. I don't like meds. I don't like the premise behind "take a pill and alllll will go away"...because somehow...this darkness is a part of me that I just have to wrestle.

So I hold on to Pea and Bubber tighter...write in my journal the words over and over and over...go to sleep earlier and wake up feeling dead weight on my shoulders. I try to compensate by finding outside sources to validate my worthiness...only to figure out they can't. That I have to climb out of this damn black by myself...again.

I am tired.

Here We Go Again

I have struggled this past year with keeping the blog up due to some truly fucked up personal struggles (read: crazyassdivorce)...locking it up...not writing...writing and unlocking it...locking it up again....UGH!

I am sick of it. 

I want to be back.

I don't want to be intimidated or frightened by "someone" who threatens to use my blog against me in a court of law (give you three guesses who that is).

I want to write.

I want to blog.

I want the community back that I began to feel a part of.

Most of all...as I read through my two years and whatever months of posting...I realized that this is the forum where I can be me...and people like it and it's ok and all that huggly buggly shit.

So I will not let silence be my world anymore. 

I am back. Still full of cynicism...sarcasm...laughter...multiple cuss words (that got me banned from the "prissy groups") and the ability to laugh at myself and this crazy thing called life...

And yes...I still need a martini!

CHICKEN

For your Friday

Smiles

Go here for a smile! 

Thanks for sharing Kevin...

Mantra of the Day...

This morning required a 20 ounce soy latte from Bigfoot Java...one yummy ass blueberry bagel and Pearl Jam's Ten played REALLLLLLY loud in order for me to even acknowledge I am alive.

All that is keeping me going is knowing that Friday...at 1:00...I will be packing up the chitlins and the dawg and heading to the hills with no computers...no phone and no schedule.

Friday Friday Friday Friday!

DAYUM...It's a Monday

Today is one of those days that just started on full speed and never stopped for one second and my mind is just racing and I saw two clients today that were just in high HIGH high crisis and it was all I could do to not hug them and tell them to be strong and move on and GET OUT of where they are but you can't make them and that is draining...so I am just flippin empty right now.

BUT...will be heading to a baseball game tonight with the kiddo's and my friend Steve...who will hopefully make me laugh and tell me funny stories about where I use to work (read: the soul sucking office from hell).

That way...I can fill up again with the energy from Bubber and Little Pea and one crazy engineer...

Life is good.